HOW TO WASH YOUR CAT IN 5 EASY STEPS!

For those of you looking for a simple, easy-to-read-how-to on washing your cat -- it's coming, swear to Jesus. And, it IS simple! And it IS easy-to-read!

I just feel as if I have to explain myself first.

On Monday, October 26th, I applied for a writing internship. Yes, I already have a 24 hr internship PLUS grad school but I figured hey, why the fuck not? I can do it, no problem. Besides, I waste all the free time I have either playing videogames or watching Ghost Lab, Ghost Hunters, or Ghost "Place-Noun/Adjective-Here" on DirectTV. Also, let's be honest, I probably won't even get the position. Why? Well, I gave them (possible internship-employer people) the link to this blog. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. Honestly, though, this blog IS a good example of my writing style (DISCLAIMER: this is only partially true, as only the Paranormal-ly Retarded and maybe two other postings have been humorous, literate type-ups).

I know my shit is crude 99.9% of the time, but, if you remove all the "fucks/shits/cunts/Scott Baio's," you may actually find a readable piece of artwork...albeit sticky from all the jizz stains.

Still, I'm not getting my hopes up...even though (according to the possible-internship-employer's craigslist ad) this place supposedly has a vert ramp in the office space. No shit. How awesome is that? I for one cannot wait to smash my face off the bottom of that vert ramp multiple, multiple times.

Okay, back to the whole "washing your cat" thing.

The reason I'll be discussing wiggling balls of wet feline fur in this blog is because I'd be doing topical issues such as "washing your cat" for this internship...or at least that's what I gathered from their job listing. Here: I'll let them explain it.

Write an online article based on high‐traffic keywords.

“How to get rid of wasps”

According to Wordtracker, a tool that measures search engine traffic, the phrase “How to get rid of wasps” gets typed in 415 times a day on Google, Yahoo, MSN, AOL, AskJeeves, etc. Apparently, getting rid of wasps is a serious problem across the United States, and currently, the #1 site that attracts that traffic (on Google) is …http://www.getridofthings.com/get‐rid‐of‐wasps.htm…an article by Jonathan Hatch. It’s filled with pictures, lots of content, and a lot of information about both identifying wasps and killing them. It also teaches you how to naturally kill wasps, treat wasp stings, and even has a funny element to it in the style of writing. What does this have to do with your job? Your job is to beat Jonathan at his own game by writing an article that’s even better than his. There are a lot of things wrong with Jonathan’s article, from it being too verbose, to not having video, to having pictures that are not that clear, to being littered with advertisements. The list goes on and on. The bottom line is that there’s always a way to make things better‐‐that’s what drives the competitive spirit in this country. Whether you are making a better cup of coffee, a better hamburger, or a better automobile, the better product or service will always win.

...And then there's a PR aspect to it as well but you get the idea.

So, without further ado (what the fuck does that even mean?), here's HOW TO WASH YOUR CAT IN 5 EASY STEPS!***

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Hello there! My name is Kyp Bing, and I'm going to take you on the magical journey known as "Washing Your Cat." (smiles) I hope you're ready, because this experience will leave you scarred for a lifetime, both mentally AND physically! (laughs)

Let's begin!

1) OBTAIN A MEDIEVAL SUIT OF ARMOR.

No shit, you're gonna need it. Your feline companion is a natural killing machine. In fact, if you were a small animal (such as a bird or mouse), Mr. Bigglesworth would have eaten you a long time ago. Now, obviously you're not a bird or a mouse because you found this webpage (laughs), but don't let that small fact make you think you're suddenly superior to that cute little kitten of yours. I assure you, he's still tougher, meaner, and nastier than that lesbian on American Idol, Simon Cowell.

However, if you either can't find or don't have enough money to purchase a suit of armor, those long yellow rubber gloves that brainwashed-housewives of the 1950's wore will do just fine.

2) PREPARE FOR WAR

See, this is where that suit of armor would have come in handy. As General Patton once stated, "war is nothing more than a bunch of 6th grade dick-measuring and sexual insecurity," or something like that. The truth is, however, your cat probably has a bigger dick than you and he's going to prove it. Whether it's a desperate claw to your eyesocket or a sudden nip at your testacles, your cat is going to do his damndest to castrate you like you neutered him. He may not have balls anymore, but he's got enough pent up anger from that situation to kill. In other words, he's Mel Gibson and you're the Bar mitzvah that Mel Gibson was just forcefully dropped into. (laughs) Keep strong!

3) DROWN! DROWN! DROWN!

Even if this is the first time your cat has ever been in the bathroom, the moment he sees that tub his natural survival instincts will kick in and you're gonna be in for a shitton of clawing, scratching, and screaming (kind of like the first time you had sex, eh? Hey, I didn't say it was consensual!). So, before you even bring kitty into the room, have the water running at a comfortable, nearly lukewarm temperature. Remember: you don't want to burn little Tuffles in the bath. Also, plug the drain so that a shallow pool layers the bottom of the tub; this will make Shithead feel more comfortable in the water.

Ready?

Your cat is going to act as if the Second Coming of Christ is about to occur right up until he feels the natural, soothing movements of the water. So, take a deep breath yourself, AND THEN PUT THAT FUCKER'S HEAD RIGHT UNDER THE SPICKET. Seriously. He'll be in so much shock that he won't know what to do. In fact, your cat will probably go limp in your hands after a few minutes of this technique. Don't worry, it's just a natural survival instinct. However, it's still probably safe at this time to remove your cat's face from under the torrential downpour of hell spewing from your faucet.

4) MODERATION

It'll take a few moments for kitten to recover; this is your chance to shampoo him/soap him/have your way with him. If he begins to bitch and moan again, repeat the dunking of the head until kitten's lungs fill with water (again). Just make sure they don't fill too much! (laughs)

5) PREPARE FOR WAR (Part 2)

So you're done drowning --er--I mean, "washing" your cat. After he's dry, you're going to have a beautiful, fluffy, smell-good ball of fuck on your hands. Unfortunately, he's also going to be planning your death. In fact, kitten has probably been planning it from the moment he regained consciousness after the first time you attempted to drown him.

While it's sometimes heartbreaking, you'll have no other choice but to stuff kitten into a plastic bag (double bag it just in case; you can never be too careful!) and throw him out the window as you speedily drive by your local animal shelter.

No harsh feelings, little man! (laughs)

And that concludes, "How to Wash Your Cat in Five Easy Steps!" I hope you enjoyed this lesson, and I hope to see all of you next week for, "How to Successfully Eat Your Partner's Asshole Without Getting AIDS All Up in Your Mouth." Goodbye!

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***DON'T DO ANY OF THAT SHIT I JUST SAID, YOU SICK FUCKS. I DO NOT CONDONE ANY OF IT AND AM NOT LIABLE IF YOU TRY IT. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF THESE STEPS.

So, people-I'm-trying-to-get-an-internship-with, what do you think? I for one feel that I deserve it simply because I wrote an entire piece on washing felines without making one dirty pussy joke. Seriously. That's nobel peace prize winning shit. I'd like to see Obama give a speech about washing cats and not throw in a pussy joke or two.

He couldn't. Fucking truth.