PROOF THAT EVERYTHING YOU LOVE WILL EVENTUALLY BE RUINED BY PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS

It is a well known fact that anything of interest in this world will eventually be tarnished by the raving hordes of estrogen-filled meat-carcasses that are known as teenage girls. Throughout history, every dark period that’s ravaged mankind has somehow been smeared by the bloody taints of screaming harlots desperate for the attention that daddy never gave them. Hitler? All because Eva Braun wrote a letter at the age of 19 on how much she hated Jewish people. Nudity? Yeah, not anymore, Eve. Now I always have the constant nagging of the Catholic Church in the back of my mind reminding me that I may go blind every time I participate in a late-night Cinemax jerk-fest. African American slavery? You can thank lazy white girls who didn’t feel like doing their own chores. The war in Iraq? Total Bush (which is, you know, another word for the vaginal area).


You see, the point I’m trying to make here is that teenage girls have been responsible for a lot of terrible shit. Lately, however, their sick and twisted abilities to cause pain and destruction have been shifted towards well-established forms of awesomeness. What exactly does this mean? Think of your favorite thing in the world to do (excluding masturbation). Perhaps it’s skateboarding with your pals or playing in a band; maybe you enjoy bird watching or growing a garden. Regardless, you must come to the realization that someday everything you know and love will eventually be shit on by the overall collective of millions of teenage girls worldwide. In fact, that massive dump has already begun.

How Things with Vaginas have Ruined the Pittsburgh Penguins
The Pittsburgh Penguins are the 2009 Stanley Cup Champions. Basically, this translates to “if you don’t have $200+ to spend on an individual ticket, then you’re shit out of luck when it comes to getting a decent seat in the Mellon Arena.” Yet if you do somehow happen to find the Holy Grail of the hockey world (seats for under $150 that don’t have an obstructed view of the ice), you’re still going to have to contend with the AIDS infected population of the teenage whore. Yes, that’s right, teenage girls are now spreading like a viral plague throughout the NHL, mainly due to the fact that the players are like, such hawties. Seriously, these bags of disease may not be able to logically deduce where center ice is, but hey, they only came to make horrible puns about wanting to “get pucked” by some dudes “wooden shaft.” Seriously ladies, you could at least be more creative. Although I will admit that the “creative” side of a 15-year-old girl’s brain usually consists of taking stock photos of players and then poorly photoshopping in gangsta jewelry and liquor they’ve never even touched in real life. A whole bucketful of glitter-vomit later and you have an A+ 9th grade art project. Let’s face it: no one wants to see that even in their worst nightmares.

Wait. They’ve actually made shit like that already? You’re kidding me.

And this is why Sidney Crosby killed himself.

Fuck, do I hate you bitches.

Why “Emo” is a Dirty Word (just like “tampon”)
There was a time in the 1990’s when a certain type of music developed in the punk underground. It was called “emo,” and bands like Sunny Day Real Estate and Mineral nearly perfected the art of writing emotional lyrics over brooding chords that was truly an enjoyable experience. Fast forward over a decade and now the word “emo” is associated with such douchenozzle’s as these:

Our lives are like an endless track of pain that can only be expressed through terrible fashion choices.

I can’t tell if these people are actual teenage girls, but hell, I sure as fuck can blame those terror-bitches for this whole fiasco.

Here, let’s do a lyrical comparison:

Sunny Day Real Estate – Seven
sew it on. face the fool.
december's tragic drive
when time is poetry and
stolen the world outside
the waiting could crush my heart
the tide breaks a wave of fear
and brave songs disappear to the secret
voice of dawn this last time
raise my eyes. you'll taste it in time
the right words in time.
the mirrors lie those aren't my eyes
destroy them raise my hand
reflected in savage
shards a new face a
soul reborn.

And now for today’s popular trash:

All Time Low – Damned If I do Ya (Damned If I Don’t)
I fought it for a long time now
While drowning in a river of denial
I washed up, fixed up, picked up
All my broken things

'Cause you left me
Police tape, chalk line
Tequila shots in the dark scene of the crime
Suburban living with a feeling
That I'm giving up everything for you


Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know
That you were o-o-over me?
I think that I should go (Go!)
And something's telling me to leave but I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya, damned if I don't

I particularly enjoy the lines “police tape, chalk line/tequila shots in the dark scene of the crime/suburban living with a feeling….” Yes, I can truly feel the pain this rich, white suburban boy is going through at this very moment due to the lyrical genius of his word play and rhyme. The question he is struggling with is quite the epic fiasco as well: do I fuck this bitch in the ass or do I stop the spread of herpes here and now? I’m torn as well; I know this is a terrible song and it was only written because brainless things with vaginas just love to sing and dance, but really, can I honestly loathe something that is secretly pushing the idea of one-night-stands that will more than likely rip the hearts out of teenage girls?

Nah, I still hate this shit.

But it does go to show you that these chicks are so stupid that they’ll even listen to songs about their own degradation! Amazing! And it only gets worse!

Not simply content with ruining an entire music genre, these little slutbags have managed to combine everything that they love into one-gigantic-fuck-fest of a musical mishap. Taking their unfortunate taste in bad crunk music, drinking, partying, and nu-wave emo, teenage girls pushed for the creation of their idea of the perfect band. And in 2008, that menstrual horror was vaginally discharged onto the unsuspecting world at large.

Seriously, girls, I have to hand it to you; this is great music to be raped to.

“Hey, remember Nosferatu? Yeah, neither do I.”
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, vampires and werewolves and other grotesque legends were considered, well, grotesque. No one wanted to bang a vampire, and fucking the neighborhood werewolf could get you a bestiality charge at best and a quick death at worst. Now, with such literary trash as Twilight littering bookstores everywhere, it’s suddenly become cool to have sexual relations with a guy that’s more interested in drinking your blood than sticking anything inside of you. This, to be honest, is the most baffling of all the teenage girl takeover events. The hockey guys I can get; they’re big dudes in good shape. Hell, I’d probably fuck Sidney Crosby myself. As for the music, well, girls just have horrible taste in everything so them creating a literal shitstain on the music industry isn’t really all that surprising. But vampires? Really? I just don’t see the appeal.

He’s got five inches with your name on it.

I’ve honestly contemplated this baffling scenario for months now and I’ve only been able to come up with two logical conclusions (and when I say “logical,” I really mean “batshit insane”). First, a lot of chicks think serial killers are attractive pieces of man meat. Perhaps the fear of vampires (they do kill you, ya know) is like the adrenaline thrill of dating a convicted murderer. I mean, that kind of makes sense: having no logic whatsoever, girls everywhere are sexually attracted to dangerous men.

However, my only problem with this theory is that it’s fucking boring. And let’s face it: the truth is never boring (I learned that from Fox News!). Here’s the real truth behind the love of Twilight: teenage girls are insecure beings. Sure, they have a ton of power in the entertainment industry (as seen by today’s music trends and the entire programming of the CW, MTV, and VH1), but they’re so fucking clueless and worried about what Jockstrap Jimmy is going to think about their new thong in 3rd period to pay attention to anything outside of their own peripheral vision. So, what’s the cause of all this insecurity?

Drum roll, please.

Periods. Menstrual cycles. The unstoppable, bloody flow of Mother Nature. And that’s the key. Blood. Teenage girls just want a guy that’s unfazed by their natural blood loss and, shit, no ones better at dealing with bloody messes like vampires. Plus, they’ll get the added bonus of having a dude who’ll eat ‘em out all month long. Win-win, ladies. Win-win.

Perhaps you’re not as vacant in the skull as I originally thought…hahaha, just kidding. Ya’ll still suck until about the age of 21. Just sayin'.