Frodo Teabaggin's Your Face

So far, it has been a rather uneventful morning. After neglecting hundreds of incoming emails over the summer, I finally decided to sit down today to go through and read/delete/spam when appropriately. Generally, I only receive emails from Barack Obama (yeah, that’s right, bitches), Rockstar informing me of the newest Gay Tony updates (if you have no idea what any of that means, I’ll leave it to your imagination), and my mom sending me whatever horrible chain letters she might find funny or witty but that anyone under the age of fifty would never find funny or witty.

When I thought all hope was lost for any sort of interesting find (which generally includes porn spam or articles informing me of Alex Ovechkin’s newest gay tribute tramp stamp), I stumbled across a petition that had been mass emailed to thousands of people.

That’s Chinese for “loves getting boarded from behind by men with hard wood in hand.”

Now, petition emails aren’t uncommon and frankly aren’t all that interesting to me. Stop clubbing seals, let women make their own decisions, free the slaves, stop eating babies…blabbity blabbity blah blah blob. Yet, somehow, this one was different. Rather than informing me that I should stop raping farm animals, this particular petition involved – wait for it - teabagging. Now, to be honest, I hadn’t thought of teabagging since 2003, my senior year of high school. The reasons behind my blatant lack of fear for the past six years are one: I’m not in high school anymore and two: there hasn’t been a new Lord of the Rings movie (you know those filthy little hobbits were balls-out every off screen second they had). So to actually see the word and think about the act of teabagging once more was quite a fright, to put it lightly. I mean, I didn’t even know that you could send mass emails out from a legitimate organization and use the word teabag in them. Isn’t that political suicide? Isn’t that what caused John McCain to lose this past Presidential election? What, you don’t remember this? While eventually denied and suppressed, rumors surfaced in mid-October of 2008 of Sen. McCain’s alleged “Teabag of Freedom” laid upon former Sen. Joe Biden’s face one late night in Washington D.C. Later rumors questioned whether the balls used in the attack where instead Gov Sarah Palin’s. Fox News, of course, claims none of it to be true (yeah, and Glenn Beck doesn’t jump from Japanese whaling ships and strangle endangered whales just for the fuck of it). Regardless, I decided to struggle through the repressed memories of years ago and delve deeper into this strange article of teabagging shenanigans.

Potentially puts balls on your face and then doesn’t call the next day.

Just one sentence in and I’m hit harder than a dog in the face by a baseball bat in the palms of Michael Vick. To be frank, I’m in shock. This petition, this filthy, disgusting, anal leakage of a petition wants me to protest the teabag protesters. Are these people fucking insane? I mean, who the fuck is actually pro-teabagging? I can’t imagine anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, is actually a pro-teabagger. The last I heard, teabagging had been made illegal in most states anyway (that’s more of a legitimate hope than a legitimate fact, by the way). And yet, like the confused juror staring at O.J.’s bloody gloves, I cannot in any logical way comprehend what I am now seeing.

Most definitely puts balls on your dog’s face until its dead…and then doesn’t call the next day.

I decide to delve deeper into this gaping hole of insanity by quickly googling “teabag protesters” to see who might be on my side of this startling issue (because if modern politics have taught us anything, there can be only two sides to every argument). Five hits down and I see articles by some insane teabagging-protestor-protester, which, in case you forgot, is the guy protesting the guys protesting teabagging (so in short, the fuckshit crazy ones). No good. I’m not in any particular mood to be brainwashed by dudes who think it’s okay to teabag at random. I continue on through the myriad mess of articles consuming my computer screen, hacking through the pubic hair and ballsacs like an ancient explorer armed only with a machete in the Amazon rain forest. Castrated monkeys fall from the branches of now extinct trees, and just when I think I can’t take another reference to teas and bags, I find them. The original teabag protesters. But I am disappointed.

Really dude? I have constant nightmares about your balls in my mouth already.

Rush Limbaugh? Sean Hannity? Ann Coulter? BILL O’REILLY!?!?!? But how...? My brain shuts down. Perhaps it’s because of the horrid realization that the only people that have my back on this issue are the same ones that still believe Noah created humans by killing the dinosaurs (which are lies made up by the Jews, duh) and that one day apes will enslave mankind and our only hope is that Charlton Heston rises again like the second coming of Christ and transforms into a giant gun. Or maybe that for a split-second I imagined Ann Coulter teabagging Limbaugh while getting fucked in the ass by Hannity. The truth is, we may never really know.

It’d be like Skeletor getting butt-fucked by Hitler while dipping his nuts in Jabba the Hutt’s face.

Two hours later, I wake up in a cold sweat. I frantically reach towards my face. Thank god, no balls. Still, I’m not completely safe. I run to the bathroom, skipping over my kitten as he appears to be licking his own balls. You dirty little pussy, I think. Here I am worried about the moral and societal implications this proposed teabag amendment of legality could ensue upon this great country and you’re putting your own balls to your chin. I ought to give you to the Chinese that live next door. Fucker.

Putting my sudden hatred towards my pro-teabag pet aside, I check my face in the mirror, praying that I don’t find the dreaded “Double Dutch Ding Dong Ditch Fruit Fly Eyes” on my forehead (that’s when testacles are dipped in ink before being applied to the forehead of the victim).

Like this, but with actual balls.

Nothing. I have escaped unharmed. But just what the fuck is going on? Was it all a nightmare?Did I go to sleep last night and suddenly wake up in Bizarro world? Right wing conservatives are all about not teabagging while liberals are lazily whipping their cock and balls out at every chance they get? It’s almost as if I can hear Greg Gutfeld whispering in my ear, “Where is your god now?” And it is at this very moment that I suddenly grasp and fully understand why people kill themselves.

Remember kids, it’s down the road not across the street.

Then, as if things couldn’t possibly get any worse, I spot a headline from the corner of my eye: Obama to 'tea-bag' protesters: I've already cut taxes. Holy fuck shit. Now, my first thought is, “this cannot be true in any way whatsoever.” And as if sent from the heavens themselves, a sign shows me that maybe this news article is indeed faked. The author, apparently, is named Rex Nutting. Ha-ha! Nice try, Mike Hunt. Who else rights articles for this “Market Watch,” Seymore Buttz and Ima Dick? But then, like a searing…something…through my…something, I glance upwards and see that the website is actually part of the fucking Wall Street Journal. So it’s official. The President of the United States is taking his precious time during the day (when he should be fighting poverty, curing cancer, and pissing off conservatives everywhere) to place his nutsack on innocent civilian faces. This, ladies and gentlemen, is apocalypse now. Or at least the plot to Orwell’s 1984. Big Brother: pinning you down and putting his balls in your mouth and if you don’t like it…THOUGHTCRIME BITCH. I think George won the Pulitzer that year. And Michael Bay will be using that tagline for the movie adaptation of 1984, coming to a theatre near you as soon as Transformers 9: Hot Fox Tits wraps up shooting.

Well, at least I’ll have a naked Meghan Fox to look forward to in the future. It’s just too bad I’ll have to push through countless testacles to actually see anything that could be boner-inducing…not to mention the confusion that could occur from having a boner while male reproductive organs are on my face.

Fuck my life.