Tony Soprano: HANDIN' OUT LIFE LESSONS ALL OVER DA PLACE

Woke up this morning, got myself a gun...

It was Christmas of 2005 when I first witnessed the cinematic televison series, the Sopranos. My family had basic cable, so it wasn't until I received season 1 on dvd as a christmas gift that I was fully introduced to this great program. I'm not sure if you remember how much those dvd's used to cost, but four years ago, seasons 1 - 2 were $50 a pop, and 3-5 were $100. I didn't have that kind of money (I still don't) so I'd have to wait every year for a birthday or Christmas to come along before I could see what happened next in my beloved series. In fact, I hadn't gotten past season 4 until earlier this month, when, perusing a local record store, I came across seasons 5 and 6 for only $25 each.

Score.

I scooped 'em both up (didn't have enough cash for season 6 part 2, unfortunately) and have been watching ever since.

I really love this show, not gonna lie. It's not perfect, but hey, what is (excluding Arrested Development)? The only real issue I have with the Sopranos is that it sometimes leaves me
feeling like I'm a horrible person.

How?

Let's make a list: End of Season 5, anger management episode
Basically, Tony discusses his anger issues in therapy and Janice actually takes anger management. What hit such a chord with me was the dialogue about why Tony gets so angry and how he expresses that anger. Tony explained that he didn't like to have to wait or deal with other people's mistakes (like, let's say you miss a bus because some group of assholes walking slower than your 90 year-old grandfather is taking up the whole sidewalk and there's no way of getting around them) because he was above that. I know that's wrong, but goddamn, I feel that exact way.

Here's another example: let's say you're waiting patiently in line and someone cuts in front of you for whatever reason. A normal person will just brush it off, but I will start to fume and imagine and relish in the the idea that I could just grab that fucking cocksucker by the back of the hair and repeatedly smash his/her face into the the edge of a counter/wall/solid object before he/she even realizes what's happening. Psychotic, right? I guess, but I never act on it.

Which leads me to the question: Does anyone else feel this way as well? Or am I really that fucked up?

Another subject that interested me in the anger management episode was how Tony dealt with bad news/unexpected shit. He broke stuff. Lots of stuff. Fuck me, but I do the same thing. I've never had a cell phone for longer than one year. Why? Because I always have one on me and it's always the first thing I grab to smash/rip apart/throw at someone. I've put my fist and elbow through doors and windows. I've almost broken my foot and hand by punching and kicking walls. It's fucked. I don't want to do it. I don't like breaking my shit. My last cell phone had a ton of great pictures on it and I ripped it in half/smashed it halfway to hell that there's absolutely no way I can recover those photos. That's my life I lost. It sucks. I hate it. I need free anger management classes because I'm starting to lose myself. My moral codes and boundaries are beginning to fail me and it's scary sometimes.

Two weeks ago, my parents came to visit for my girlfriend's birthday. We went out to eat at a terrible restaurant that made us wait 2 HOURS for our food. I'm not exaggerating here, and it wouldn't have been so bad had we not seen people walk in 45 minutes after we did and get their full course served first. My dad politely asked what was wrong and they never gave us an answer. In other words, they fucked up and didn't want to take the blame for it. I was able to shrug that off. However, the real issue was that my mother had a very important meeting to make right after dinner, and we had not planned on being there for nearly 3 hours.
So, when dinner finally came, we had to shovel it down and hurry back to the car so I could take my mother to her meeting a few minutes away.

The shit didn't hit the fan till I got to Fifth Ave. I was waiting patiently at a red light to cross the five-lane-hell-fest that is Fifth when my light turned green. Yet thanks to a few assholes who obviously don't know what a redlight is, the intersection was completely blocked. In other words, I would have to wait through a whole nother set of lights because of these intersection-blocking-cocksuckers. And my mother was already late.

I lost it. I ran up as close as I could to the Escalade that was blocking the intersection and I just laid on the horn.

At this point, my parents and girlfriend were telling me to stop and not worry about it, but I wouldn't listen. I mean, honestly, I wasn't doing anything that bad. This asshole blocking my lane knew what he was getting into anyway. In fact, had nothing else occurred, I would have only just kept hitting the horn, that's it. No harm done.

Then this kid in the back of the Escalade (probably 18-25) rolls down his window and gives me the finger.

All hell breaks loose in my mind.

I start screaming everything I can think, "Fuck you, asshole, I'll fucking kill you you dumb motherfucker, suck my cock you piece of shit faggot, you wanna fucking die you little bitch get out of your fucking car"...etc.

I had my fingers out, I started making jerk-off motions with my hands, just about everything offensive you can think of, I was saying or doing.

This, by the way, with my entire immediate living family in the vehicle.

I was so furious I was actually shaking and fumbling about while trying to figure out how to unbuckle my seat belt and open the door. The kid must have seen this because he immediately rolled up his window when he saw me attempting to get out of the car. Honestly, had I been able to, I would have probably gotten in a lot of trouble.

Thank god for shaky adrenaline.

When he rolled up his window, I gave up on trying to get out of the car. Instead, I kept mouthing "I'll fucking kill you" as clearly as possible, hoping that he could read lips. I also ignored everyone else in the car bitching about my behavior.

I don't know.

I'm losing it.

When I'm having a shit day and past the point of rational thinking, I'll shoulder people in my fucking way on the street/sidewalk/etc. I cut in line. I turn into an asshole, just like the rest of society.

Which brings me back to Tony Soprano. There was another episode in the beginning of season 6 that showcased what life would be like for Tony Soprano if he wasn't in the mafia. Basically, it was Tony taking shit from everyday people that in reality, he would have beat up, killed, and disappeared.

You know what I was thinking?
....